need a good laugh today cause life sucks?

Anything else! Ideas for new games, gossip, chat, jokes etc...
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Fighter_Ace
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Location: Sacramento, CA, United States of America - Also can be found somewhere in the land of 1's and 0's
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Post by Fighter_Ace » Fri Mar 03, 2006 9:46 pm

Heh heh, glad you liked 'em Sid6.7!

Joke-O-Da-Day:

<-Joke#1->

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "Oh oh, I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

<-Joke#2->

Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said.

Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job"

Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"

Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."

Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You put down "Neither do I."
My thanks and best regards to all my former submitters.

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Fuzzy Wonky
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Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2005 9:15 am
Location: Beyond human imagination

Post by Fuzzy Wonky » Fri Dec 22, 2006 3:07 pm

Yup, it?s nearly that time of the year?
and now is the time to start baking that Christmas cake.
So to help you, here is a recipe for

VODKA AND RED BULL CHRISTMAS CAKE

INGREDIENTS
1 cup water
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
4 large eggs
1 cup white sugar
1 cup brown sugar
2 cups dried fruit
Lemon juice
Nuts
1 can of Red Bull
1 bottle of Vodka

METHOD
1. Sample the vodka to check the quality. (VERY IMPORTANT)
2. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.
3. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup of vodka and mix with a little Red Bull and drink.
4. Repeat.
5. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
6. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
7. At this point it is best to make sure the vodka is still ok.
8. Flavour with Red Bull to taste.
9. Try another cup ? just in case, turn the mixerer off.
10. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in a cup of dried fruit.
11. Pick fruit off the floor.
12. Mix on the turner.
13. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry loose with a drewscriver.
14. Shample the vodka to check for tonsisticitiy, flavour with a little Bed Rull.
15. Next, ssifffft two cups of salt. Or something? Who giveshz a shi*
16. Throw a pinch of Bed Rull over your shoulder.
17. Pick up the can, mop the floor.
18. Check the vodka (shee steps 3 and 4).
19. Now shift the lemon and strain your nuts.
20. Add one table.
21. Add a shpoon of shugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
22. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
23. Don?t forget to beat off the turner.
24. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the dog.
25. Fall into bed.

Cherry Mistmas!
Last edited by Fuzzy Wonky on Fri Dec 22, 2006 3:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-- NEITHER FOR NOR AGAINST (quite the reverse!) --
LIFE'S A TRAP. WE WON'T GET OUT OF IT ALIVE!

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Fuzzy Wonky
Posts: 137
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2005 9:15 am
Location: Beyond human imagination

Post by Fuzzy Wonky » Fri Dec 22, 2006 3:09 pm

When you've had an absolute "I hate my job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the literature that comes with the thermometer and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested".

Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times: "I am so glad I do not work in the Thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson".

Have a nice day everyone and remember, there is always someone with a worse job than yours.
-- NEITHER FOR NOR AGAINST (quite the reverse!) --
LIFE'S A TRAP. WE WON'T GET OUT OF IT ALIVE!

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Fuzzy Wonky
Posts: 137
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2005 9:15 am
Location: Beyond human imagination

Post by Fuzzy Wonky » Fri Dec 22, 2006 3:22 pm

Two more that just made me laugh:
***********************************************************
THE DIARY OF A CAT & A DOG

A Dog's Diary:
7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favourite!
8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favourite!
2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favourite!
3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favourite!
4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favourite!
6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mum! My favourite!
7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favourite!
8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favourite!
9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favourite!
11 pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my owner's bed! My favourite!


A Cat's Diary:
Day 183 of my captivity.
My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.
In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favourite chair. I must try this on their bed.
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.
The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured. But I can wait.
It's only a matter of time.

***********************************************************
MEN AND WOMEN

Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time.
A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves.
They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realise that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Jeez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward...I mean, where are we going? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking:...so that means it was...let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more commitment; maybe he has sensed-even before I sensed it-that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right.
And they better not try to blame it on cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty.
That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self -centred, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take that warranty and---
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have...I feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.) "Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.) "Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czech players he has never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible
ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say:
"Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
-- NEITHER FOR NOR AGAINST (quite the reverse!) --
LIFE'S A TRAP. WE WON'T GET OUT OF IT ALIVE!

User avatar
Fuzzy Wonky
Posts: 137
Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2005 9:15 am
Location: Beyond human imagination

made me laugh...

Post by Fuzzy Wonky » Mon Mar 12, 2007 12:28 am

This one is terrible...

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese are hired at a Sydney construction site.
The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shovelling."
To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.
He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."
Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.
He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"
-- NEITHER FOR NOR AGAINST (quite the reverse!) --
LIFE'S A TRAP. WE WON'T GET OUT OF IT ALIVE!

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